I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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