You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
