fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
All the doctor said was why
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
