It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
