i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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