I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
