I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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