i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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