he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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