Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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