i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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