My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
