if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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