just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
