Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
