ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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