My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
