an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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