OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
