Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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