Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
