After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
