I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
