So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
