I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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