if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
