I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
