the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
