listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
