Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
