I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
