oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
