I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
