Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
