guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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