I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
