A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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