Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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