update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
