Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
