Old men and throwing up are my life now.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
