What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
