well most of my day revolves around power hour
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
