The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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