Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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