why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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