i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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