My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
