Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
