There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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