Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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