I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I need moral support for this bender
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
