I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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