God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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