My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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