brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
