i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
