its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My bed smells like the plague
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
