i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
