I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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