Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
