The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
