I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize