I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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