I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
