Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
