if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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